Small Change - Big Changes

So, how has my new belief in God affected me you may be wondering. 

It seems such a small change to make - not proven to believing - and now I am here I have no idea why I found it such a struggle and resisted belief with all my heart for quite so long. In the end that change was inevitable given I had run out of questions to ask of science, the world and myself.

First is obviously my calm space. My guide told me to remember this well so it is there when storms come to pass. I am learning to drop back in at will when I feel stressed or annoyed with how things are going. The calmness I feel here in His presence is so comforting and loving, so complete, it is the perfect sanctuary in times of need, but also a place to pause and reflect, or just to spend some where God and his teachings are the only thing in mind.

My knowledge base seems, to my complete astonishment, to have remained intact and fitted in so easily. How I use it and see it has changed, but not the details themselves. The process of reviewing information gleaned from reference books and papers on almost every subject I could find over several decades is still ongoing in my brain, but it is a review of how I see things rather than trying to change the facts I have crammed in. At times it is a bit overwhelming, but it is also so interesting to sit and watch my brain at work on this.

Now comes the trickier bit, my interactions with others and my behaviour.

For my behaviour, I at first did not notice anything. Then my guide lent me a little book - The Screwtape Letters. I was expecting it to be funny, but instead I find myself considering each chapter after I have read it and looking back at my past life. In so many things I had bad habits, took pleasure or was inconsiderate. I realise this changed quite literally the moment I welcomed God into my life. It was not a conscious decision, these things just no longer appear in my life after that moment. At some point in the future I must re-read the book, as I think once I have settled properly in my new life I will find it quite amusing.

On the flip side, I now find that I spend some time centered on God at the start and end of each day, and at any quiet moments in between. I offer up thanks, I pray for those in need or less fortunate than me. These acts just happened with no conscious will on my part. And although my thoughts and prayers are a little jumbled at the moment they are becoming more coherent and focussed with practice. I set time aside on the Sabbath to be with Him, to contemplate and seek guidance. I enjoy spending some time each day reading and learning from the scriptures and find many thought provoking and comforting words within. This I have found I can only do in little sections, trying to read this as I used to devour the written word with an insatiable quest for knowledge just does not work.

I have come to realise that asking God for his help, for his strength or guidance is not a bad thing or an admission of weakness. Through a recent rather scary illness I have found it to be comforting and calming, and this has really helped me through by allowing me to turn to Him instead of towards the stress and panic that is the other way.

My interactions with others have been rather chaotic over the last few weeks as I have come to terms with what has happened to me. As things are settling down in these somewhat strange and stressful times this area of my life has been mainly with my partner. I now find that things that irritated I now do not notice, or if I do I am glad because it highlights that we are all unique. We find our relationship renewed with a love, compassion and understanding that we’re never there before.

Am I sorry that this has happened to me despite my fight to stay on the fence? No, not at all. I am a much better person than before, more complete, and I give thanks that I have ended up here with Him beside me and in my mind to lend me strength and courage and comfort when required, to shelter me from storms and to carry me through the harder moments of my life.