Ch 2.5 Questioning Myself

• Note: Due to feeling tired and not quite with it due to illness, I missed a chapter out of my story. Sorry all - it may mean you need to go back a bit and do some re-reading. So here is the missing chapter!

Questioning Who?

During my time away my friend had changed a little, the sparkle and bounce were a little less, the smile not so broad. Often we would grumble about work loads and decisions made before heading into our normal jumble of subjects. Another frequent topic was options my friend was considering, different jobs or roles. Over time I started to encourage them to take up these roles. I would miss my lunchtime walks, but it was becoming obvious staying put was not right for them.

Then out of the blue one day they mentioned a different vocation that they were considering. It revealed a side of them to me that I would never have guessed before. They thought I was going to laugh at them and put them off, but that would have been an easy path and would also have been impolite.

To challenge them on what they were considering our conversations drifted, first to philosophy and views, then onto theology. For me, a professed agnostic this was strange territory and my friend did warn me that some that went this way would change there minds. I did laugh at this, at least internally, which shows just how little I understood at the time.

But something had triggered in me at this point. I sent my friend this message in late February 2020.

"Where I stand

Interesting... lunchtime conversation and your comment when I suggested I might like to study theology has had me thinking about where I stand on things. Do I believe in a god ... no, but I do not exclude the possibility from my beliefs (sort of hedging my bets here really). My brain looks for logical proofs and I have not yet come across any that sways me either way. My general upbringing and morals were Christian and I do believe that stands me in good stead and I do think the general decline in (non-extreme) religious belief, attendance and teaching is overall not good for society. Not sure if this puts me in the atheist, lapsed or non practising room? Sorry ... bit of a long and muddled message.

Even science doesn't seem to be be as certain as it was ... quantum sciences really don't help as we have models of what happens but have no idea what is actually going on or how it works."

My friend replied that I was probably agnostic, with a smile of course.

This did make me realise I still had a lot to learn as I could not even define my own position clearly. So it was back to the books and online resources, reading as much as I could as quickly as I could. I really did not know where this was going.

I then surprised myself quite substantially, and the thoughts that I wrote down at the time are repeated here.

"The Ordinary Guy

Me? I’m just an ordinary guy going through life.

At the very start of this journey my stand point is that of a staunch agnostic. A friend considering a new vocation made me stop and think... a lot! Welcome to my thoughts at this, the start of my journey.

Through this life I have hit quite a few challenges. Twice, through bravado and shear stupidity I have thought I was going to die. Luckily I was wrong. I have had several fairly severe injuries that have curtailed activities that I was planning on doing and made me re-adjust. The most severe of these left me flat on my back for almost 6 months and in excruciating pain for almost 3 years. This has resulted in continuous pain for 14 years and this will last for the rest of my life. I have loved and lost, to the extent that I literally spent a whole day in tears. My father unfortunately passed away while I was still at uni, and his last wish of me was "Chin up and no tears in front of your mother" … that was a tough one!

I've almost crumbled under pressure, and ended up running away from where I was to start anew. That took 6 months lost with my thoughts before I decided to rejoin the world. Through all of this I have never turned outwards or sought strength from another, I have always turned inwards and called on inner reserves that before these events I never knew were there.

I have had my view of the world challenged and changed quite fundamentally twice in my life. The most recent time has lead me here, to write a few thoughts down. I was lucky enough to have hit every ambition and goal that I thought about while I was young by the time I was 30. Since then, every time I have had ambitions to go off on further adventures I seem to hit a circumstance or injury that prevents it, and in its stead I find myself faced with someone who needs help in some way or another. Whether that be someone that needs comfort or advice, someone to talk things through with, or just someone that needs a new spark of motivation to lead them on to newer and better things. I have been lucky enough to have had some of these turn around and thank me with a smile … those are the really precious moments.

In other things I do now, I find myself being more an advisor, instigator or helper. Always being there to pick up the fallen, brush them down and, with a few words of wisdom send them on their way. I am happy and privileged to have been put in these positions. I am happy to be there with others and see there enjoyment for that is where I get my joy.

I had a Christian based upbringing and start to my education, and this has led to strong moral values and principles that I always stand by. Twice I have had the opportunity to profit greatly at others expense, to make my life more comfortable for myself whilst denying those less fortunate the same. Twice I have turned this down finding the whole idea just wrong. I believe that we should stop and contemplate our lives on a regular basis, and that we should set aside time each week that is free from work and chores. This time should be spent with friends and family, celebrating life, discussing, sharing problems if they are there. I mourn the loss of the Sabbath as a special day set aside for this in wider society and believe that this has been a major factor in the decline in society.

Am I perfect? No, not by a long shot. I have done things I have considered afterwards to be wrong, but do always try to apologise or put things right. I have done stupid things that have not been thought through and may have had unintended consequences for others. But I have lived a life I do not regret, and never suffer from guilt or remorse.

Now the harder bit! If there is a god what must He think of me?

Would He glance at me in passing and think, this guy is doing okay, he makes a few mistakes but generally leads a good and simple life, he helps others he comes across who are in need, he picks the right path, the right way to do things, never just the easy route. He is internally strong and can cope with his own resources, I will leave him be and tend to those that have a more pressing need but will stop by every now and then to see how he is doing.

Or, would He be thinking what on Earth needs to happen in this guys life for him to call on me?

The fact that I have even contemplated that question is strange to me and I have no idea which of my friends words have triggered this in me, although I have a strange idea I know what her answer to that might be.

Since I have started thinking this way I have spent so long contemplating my life and my position in the universe. I have read so much, and questioned so much, and even started to Google questions like ‘Can I be a Christian and not attend Church?’. I have spent more time reading on theology, the Bible, and His teachings than I have ever spent before.

So where did I stand at this point on my journey? Hmmm ... this is tricky. At the moment still on the agnostic fence … although not as firmly or on such sure footing as before. But I do now find myself smiling a little at silly little things, being stupidly polite and considerate, calmer and generally happy. Will I change the life I outwardly lead … probably not. My Sabbath as I mentioned above is my time with family and friends after ensuring all the chores and work are done by then so we can enjoy a relaxed and peaceful time, otherwise we really would not have the time together we need."